This has been the dilemma in my life for so many years that it’s gotten to be a running joke in my family. I used to care but I take a pill for that now.

Most of you have probably noticed an absence of blogs and good information on reincarnation or psychic abilities from me in the last year. The explanation is quite simple: my personal abilities and barriers have been continuously failing since a few of my medications were changed last year. I was taking several things that don’t need to be named (not everyone needs to know about every health problem I have) but two of them were for chronic vertigo and also a drug for anxiety and depression. Last year, my insurance stopped paying for my anxiety drug and I endured cold turkey withdrawals before my doctor found an alternative drug. I was off my medication for a few months and I sank to the bottom again. It got really bad and I don’t really want to talk about it in detail. Needless to say, I started a new drug that ended up working better than the old one but I was so bad off that we decided to double my dose. Add the doubled dose of an SSRI drug to taking something else for chronic vertigo and you have two drugs messing with my brain.

In other words, you mess with my brain and you mess with my intuitive abilities. You mess with my intuitive abilities and you mess with my ability to keep up protective barriers around myself and my home.

I first noticed things were off last spring when an inability to do readings became more and more consistent. It’s normal to have bad days where things just don’t click for the intuitive. It’s no big deal. If you come back to it in a day or two, it usually works just fine. But the bad days started outnumbering the good days to the point where I’d stare at a person and see nothing at all. For a lifelong intuitive, that’s frightening. It’s a loss of one of the senses that we always had, almost like going completely blind or deaf in just a couple of months. It’s a shock to the system. People depend on me to provide guidance and not having enough good days to keep up with the demand left me phobic of even touching my email. Roughly 10,000 emails accumulated in six months. I still haven’t gotten through all of it.

Simultaneously in this period, I noticed a blindness to my regular household spirit activity. Other people in my home went on noticing things like my mother, my grandmother, and my home health lady, but it was like I went virtually blind and deaf to it. Yet a few months ago, I had a dream about an inhuman helpful entity joining my household for protection because I’m clearly unable to do it myself. I did some research the next day and my best guess is that it’s something called a brownie. It was the night of November 23rd into the 24th.

In the dream, I let a stray black cat into my house to feed him. The cat slowly turned into a little leprechaun-ish looking creature. He said every day he was going to come back and I was to leave him offerings of sweets. There were no threats though. It was just like you will do this thing. So I looked around because the dream was so vivid that it couldn’t have been just my brain spitting out things I’d seen that day. It seems I witnessed a brownie. It’s a household spirit legend of the Scottish and northern English peoples. They’re a kind of faerie, I think. They are said to live in unused portions of the house and help the homeowners with taking care of the home. They like gifts of sweets and if you call it a payment or misuse them, they’ll become offended and leave.

My English ancestry comes from the Midlands and northern England, so I found it interesting. If I did encounter a brownie – apparently showing themselves is rare – then maybe he was attracted to my ancestry. Or maybe I attracted him because I’m disabled and I often need help with looking after my household. I have no idea how he found me or why. It was so vivid that I could have done an illustration of how he looked. He was about three feet tall or so, fair haired (white?), exaggerated wide face, very large eyes, large wide nose, and a long smile like a troll doll. He had a blue jacket that was kind of faded and ratty, and tan trousers. He didn’t scare me at all. He looked scary but he wasn’t scary himself. In my dream state, it didn’t even startle me like this little guy was totally normal being let into my house.

Other than that, nothing much happened to me since my medication changed. It has hurt me emotionally and mentally because I carry around a lot of guilt. People like me are not as common as one might think and I feel like such a failure if I’m not able to help as much as I have in the past. My choice appears to be good mental and physical health through medication or excellent intuitive abilities but severe anxiety, depression, and bad physical health without medication. Do I sacrifice myself for others or do I take care of myself and hope this problem reroutes itself around the medicated brain? You see why I feel guilty and like a failure this past year. I wouldn’t be having these problems if I could keep my health under control – as if I could control that!

There’s a problem with all of this though. It appears that the barriers around myself and my home to keep out unwanted entities or energies are not working like they should because nothing else in me is working right now. That’s why I’m writing this blog and trying to figure out what to do. I don’t feel safe in my home at night lately. Night before last, my dog was being rather fidgety and my cats were suddenly being rather violent toward one another. I didn’t think anything of it at first until my dog broke open the door and ran upstairs, which is something she’s never done in the past. She refused to come back to bed with me and instead slept with my mother. I settled down again and, while lying on my back, I heard whispering between two things around me. It was so clear, yet so secretive that I couldn’t make out any words. I know my normal reactions and the fear I felt wasn’t normal. I felt threatened. I felt dread.

Last night, the whispering turned into a louder voice. I got grabbed. It yanked my foot like it was trying to pull me off the bed. I thought it was my granny and I turned around to tell her to stop but nothing was there. My regulars know not to bother my feet because it hurts me a lot. This is not one of my regulars. Today, my dog still refuses to spend much time in this room with me. That’s the pattern. Right before something bad happens, my dog runs and breaks open doors to get away.

I’m so used to explaining to other people how to deal with unwanted entities. I’m unnerved that I have one because I thought my barriers were pretty solid. This is another symptom of a bigger problem. My abilities and barriers have been failing for almost a year. I’m so out of sorts. I’m sure some of you have noticed.

I have been reading about other intuitives, mediums, and psychics who lose their abilities after taking certain medications and I truthfully want to cry sometimes. I have to start over like redoing 32 years of work. There’s no other way to get it back without stopping the medication. Not to be morbid but stopping medication for me leads to suicidal tendencies within six months. I can’t do that. I thought it would reroute and come back on its own but it’s been almost a year with just an occasional trickle coming through. It’s not going to come back on its own with the combination of medications I take. I have to train myself like I’m my own student, it seems.

I’m terrified but this phase of my life must be happening for a reason.