If you’re anything like me, you struggle to accept anything good coming into your life because you’ve been preconditioned by so many bad experiences to expect anything more. The human brain follows patterns and trains itself to recognize only those patterns as reality. For me, looking at men is the same as looking at years of mental abuse, sexual assault, infidelity, broken promises, lies, greed, abandonment, and so forth, because that’s all I’ve gotten out of them my entire life. There are maybe two men in my life who haven’t exhibited those qualities and they are my blood relations, so they don’t really count in my eyes.
I have gotten used to solitude after my last relationship. I have accepted that my life is probably not meant to be shared with any man. As I told a couple of friends last night (we are in the midst of a heavy discussion about the universe giving us blessings that we reject), the reality is my selection is narrower because I am in a wheelchair and then that selection is even narrower because of my life path. I’m an intuitive, medium, etc. I’m a historian. I’m a reincarnation researcher. A great deal of people depend on me for spiritual guidance and protection. These are not things I can compartmentalize. He would almost have to share in that work and feel the passion for it as I do in order to really love me in an honest way. You can’t love part of me and ignore another part. There aren’t too many men who understand my life. I’ve been down the relationship road many times and I was even engaged for almost four years but the abuse and neglect nearly destroyed me. Keeping my soul in tact is far more important than continuously trying to mold myself to fit a man because there just aren’t any who understand my life. So, solitude is something I accepted years ago. I’ve almost succeeded at convincing myself that solitude is a noble thing because I’m sacrificing myself to continue the work that I so believe in and know is helping other people. I tell myself it’s noble to make myself feel better.
Solitude is easy to accept when you can’t see the other side of the coin. I have been catching glimpses of the other side of that coin lately though; what it could mean to know a male version of myself, and the universe has been pushing the issue. Things line up in an uncanny way and I can’t hide from it no matter how I try. Lord knows I try to hide. I find myself angry and frightened at the universe, and saying things like, “What gives you the right to force me to see something I can’t have?” and, “That’s ridiculous. I may like him but he won’t give a shit about me. He has no need for a girl in a wheelchair who talks to dead people. Be logical.” But am I really admonishing the universe for showing me a life I can’t have, or am I admonishing myself for not being content with solitude?
As I have been discussing these things with a few confidantes – why I’m seeing a life that appears impossible to grasp in my hands – a bigger point has been raised. I have taken this slight connection, this blessing from the universe, and automatically cast an eye of doubt, intense fear, and punishment upon it. I’m looking at a potential blessing through the eyes of being punished for not being content with solitude. It’s clear that I don’t feel like I have a right to feel anything for anyone because they’re not going to reciprocate. I feel like I’m intruding even though I apparently can’t control it. After all, who would want to share this life?
While I don’t yet know why I keep seeing a future life path that I’m fairy certain can’t be possible by virtue of the unusual situation, I have come to an important epiphany with the help of my confidantes. The universe is allowing me to see something that scares the living daylights out of me, yes, but looking at it automatically as something with dark intent or a punishment is not the right way either. Events in my lifetime have preconditioned me to expect ulterior motives and to be constantly suspicious but when those qualities make me doubt the purpose of the universe (God, the higher power, whatever you call it), it’s really a wake up call. The universe is bigger than myself. It knows me better than I know myself. I don’t trust it enough. As painful as it might be to see myself in another person but remain on my own, there must be a reason why I can see down that life path right now. Calling it a punishment and being suspicious of it is slapping the universe in the face. I live inside marble walls to protect my feelings and I suppose I’m smarting and feeling a bit confused or even violated because something breached the walls. I don’t know how that happened.
It’s making me unconsciously reject a potential blessing and that has to stop. What if I’m sabotaging myself?
Now – how does this apply to you? Consider your actions and reactions when something shakes you to the core. Are you reacting as if it’s a punishment or a blessing? Are you really justified in your reaction? Could it be possible that something shaking you up is not really that painful but really just your soul trying to adjust to change? How can you make something frightening into something positive? Above all, are you blaming your higher power for your own insecurities instead of trying to grow as a soul?
This is not to say I’m magically all better. Far from it. I am learning by baby steps. My situation of solitude has not changed and probably won’t change, but we all have our own crosses to bear. I hope you can learn something from my situation.