I think my house needs to be smudged or I need to re-learn to set up psychic boundaries around my property or something. Last night, I was a little bit crumpled in the corner of my bed like something was going to startle me like the night before around 3 a.m. I saw a full-on colored, solid apparition the previous night that was looking over me and woke me up. She was a woman in her 30s, brown curly hair, looked 1940s-1950s with a green and white striped dress. We were perhaps a foot apart because she was leaning over the bed looking at me. When I jumped backwards (think of a spring loaded cat), she vanished. It was maybe five seconds but it kept me awake the rest of the night, and then last night, I was sort of crumpled in the corner of my bed using my cell phone like a flashlight. I was scared. Being scared is not like me at all.
I’m not used to such solid apparitions. My abilities are not that intense – that’s like the creme de la creme of the medium world to be able to see apparitions as solid as living people. The apparitions I typically see are shadow figures or they’re transparent and not fully formed. For the most part, I feel where they are without seeing them. I hear them, feel them, smell them, etc., but seeing them is rare enough that it scares me when I do and I think that’s ridiculous. If I can’t control my fear, then how can people lean on me to carry them through their fear? My mother, who is also an intuitive, said, “Get a nightlight.” I don’t think a nightlight is going to fix this problem. A nightlight, in my opinion, gives the medium permission to give into their fears. Being afraid of certain aspects of my job just makes me disappointed in myself and quite frustrated that I’ve been a medium for almost thirty years and certain things still bother me. Solid apparitions bother me, child spirits bother me, and of course, inhuman spirits bother me, but I can control my fear with everything except being startled by solid apparitions. The fear is rooted in not knowing when it’s going to happen or why. It’s an anticipatory fear very similar to the way an anxiety disorder works, and we all know I struggle with an anxiety disorder. I don’t want it to affect my work though. I know better than to be fearful of spirits.
I think part of the problem is I’ve been neglecting ritual. Some people don’t need ritual to keep themselves centered but I do. I’m a creature of habit. I have been neglecting meditation, properly keeping boundaries around my space and person, etc. That may be a reason why fear has been creeping in again the way it did when I was a child. It’s time to re-establish control through ritual. Fear is not an acceptable option for me because being a medium is not something I can stop. It is part of me and needs to be maintained like people maintain their bodies through exercise and eating well. A nightlight is not going to fix this problem. Only I can.