>O Holy Shorts

>All right, so here’s the story behind O Holy Shorts. Last year when the NKOTB forum was really popular, I was part of the Fashion Disasters thread, which was a place where we talked about what the guys and we wore back in the day. When we were on the hunt for back in the day pictures of Jon for fashion dissection (which gave birth to the Science of the Socks, Matchy-Matchy, OCD ripped jeans, Wiggity Wiggity Whack suspenders and so on), a certain pair of shorts kept appearing. There were literally twenty or more different images of Jon wearing these shorts. I started making jokes that those shorts must have had mind control powers and that was why he wore them. I have a shameful special affection for the man’s legs so the running joke evolved into Jon and his Holy Shorts. (Sorry Jon. You know I’m not a fan objectifying but I’m not dead lol.)

Specimens of the Holy Shorts:


So when the holidays came around, some of the Fashion Disasters girls were rewriting Christmas carols about the inside jokes we shared and I decided to take a crack at all the Jon references. It took an hour or two and I rewrote O Holy Night as O Holy Shorts. I’m not a great poet and I’m definitely not a songwriter but I managed to squeeze in a lot of things specific to the faction of Jon’s fans. If you can pick out my references and pinpoint their origins, that would be fun! The tractah references are not something I would write now but at the time, that was the big Jon girl thing because of his blog. I don’t know if Jon saw this song last year but maybe he’ll see it this year. Laugh. It’s meant to be tongue-in-cheek 🙂

O Holy Shorts! The stripes are brightly shining,
It is the day of our dear Jon’s photo shoot.
Long lay the boy in grass and tractah showing.
Till shorts appeared and the tractah felt its worth.
A thrill of skin the weary world rejoices,
For yondah breaks a new and glorious butt.
Fall on your knees! Oh, yield to the mind control!
O shorts divine, the day when Jon stripped down;
O shorts, O Holy Shorts, O shorts divine!
O shorts, O Holy Shorts, O shorts divine!

Led by the sight of Jon crouching and like that-ing,
With wagging tongues we line up to see his shows.
O’er the stage a star is smoothly singing,
Now come the New Kids from out of the Boston land.
The Knight of knights needs no high-pitched singing;
We love that he was born to wear the shorts.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your Shorts! Before them lowly bend!

Truly the shorts taught us to love his booty,
Their law commands undahweahs from K-Maht.
Chains he shall break, for they was on the ceilin’.
And on his belt all padlocks shall fall away.
Sweet songs of stripes in lustful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise their holy name.
Shorts for our Jon! Then ever, ever praise we,
Their mind control powah ever more proclaim!
Their mind control powah ever more proclaim!

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