I’m writing from bed, so forgive me if there are any mistakes.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m really doing any good. It’s the simplest question I ask myself almost every day, whether I’m really doing any good and helping people. Part of doing what I do is feeling everything on a deeper level. Not just my own emotions but everyone else’s emotions too and that makes me get mired down in the muck sometimes. I spent tonight trying to get organized for this week and answer my ridiculous flow of email and I found myself getting overwhelmed. People are waiting for their readings, responses to emails, advice, help with spiritual problems, general chatter, and so forth. I found myself sitting there staring at all of it, not sure where to start and ready to not do any of it. (Don’t worry – I am doing it.) I wish I knew how to explain it to people. In order for me to function as an intuitive, I have to be in good mental, physical and emotional condition. I haven’t been lately. I got thrown off track with my leg injury last month and I’m only just now starting to really pull it back together again.
What right do I have to offer people spiritual assistance and advice when I go through these moments of struggle? Should I not be leading by example? Am I not supposed to be a pillar of efficiency and strength for those who really need help?
I don’t feel worthy of the responsibilities I’ve been given with this lifetime. Who decided I’m strong enough to carry the burden of being able to see the past, the spirit world, and the pain of others so clearly? I don’t feel like people believe in me enough, that my intentions are in a higher place and I am a woman of my word. Sometimes it takes me a lot longer to do things and unfortunately I work on their clock too (spirits) and they don’t always see the business practicality of it. I don’t like charging money for readings but I have to in order to survive. All other forms of income I try never work. It’s like the universe keeps telling me, “You are working for us over here so you’re not allowed to do anything else.” I keep my fees as low as I can but I don’t make enough as it is. Who does, really?
I think I’m more frustrated because I know doing readings for peanuts is not my whole purpose. I don’t feel like I’m reaching enough people. Seeing so much pain, suffering and lack of spiritual understanding in this world actually causes me grief like I’m not personally doing enough healing work. I have felt this sense of responsibility since I was a child. It isn’t anything new. Now that I’m a few months away from 30, however, that responsibility is pressing on me even more. Am I doing enough? Have I really honestly helped anyone improve the course of their soul’s journey? Or am I failing with the gifts I’ve been given because I struggle to be satisfied in my personal journey?
But then, tomorrow I will get up and keep going like I do every day. I’ve made it 30 years without a strong support system who truly understands this life. I can survive another 30. Maybe I am stronger than I look. I may not always understand why I have this responsibility and why I have it alone but I don’t have any other choice than to keep moving forward, hoping I touch a few lives and teach a few lessons handed to me by the universe.
I suppose the moral of this story is just because you see an intuitive, medium, whatever you want to call it, doing good work doesn’t always mean they have it together. Some are lucky to be thriving with what they are but many do struggle. It can be a lonely life of not feeling understood and struggling to really form intimate connections with regular people. The act of doing readings and doing spiritual work leaves the intuitive exposed because there has to be an exchange of energy. That’s a very intimate experience. For that reason, many of us are very emotionally guarded when we are not working unless we recognize one of our own kind.
Be kind, be gentle and be patient with people who have a raw nerve exposed to the spirit world. It can be hard for us to live with one foot here and one foot there.