>NKOTB lessons for BSB fans

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Yesterday I had a bad day, so I started tweeting funny things to make myself laugh. I didn’t really think other people were going to care but it caught on and I acquired several new followers. They all told me to put the tweets in one place because they were so funny.

With the news that New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys are teaming up for a tour next year, it occurred to me that my side of things, the New Kids side, is its own culture. Outsiders couldn’t possibly understand why we yell, “Wooooo!” in Target or why we smile when we see Snuggies or ShamWows. For that reason, I started tweeting about all of the inside facets to New Kids culture as a joke to help Backstreet fans navigate our world. Here they are in no particular order, copied from my Twitter page.

About 2/3 of anything from Jon is a steaming load of bullshit.

Jordan tinks and Donnie twugs.

Do not disrespect the wind machine. Ever. Jordan girls will cut a bitch.

Donnie + umbrellas = pure awesome action comedy.

Kiss and coddle Donnie’s booboos. Giggle at Jon’s booboos and let the snark fly.

Don’t worry if Donnie starts humping you. It’s best to just be still and let him finish.

Jordan thinks of people. A lot. Trying to figure out who is like taking a stroll through his brain.

Jon and Joe are fluent in #randombutfunnyhashtags

Our stalkers are called BSCs aka bat shit crazies. Don’t make any sudden movements. Just back away slowly.

Jon hates plastic commie Christmas trees. Don’t ask. Just nod your head and give him more coffee.

Here is your copy of Band of Brothers. You are required to watch all of it. Now.

No, Jon doesn’t sing solos. It’s useless to beg. He is pretty so that makes up for it.

Donnie can’t remember names so expect to get a nickname if you see him enough. Jon just remembers faces.

Donnie is our spiritual guru. Don’t fight it. Listen to Father Cheesus and all will be well.

One of Jon’s nicknames was Jizz. I know what you’re thinking. We all did.

Don’t try to hit Jordan’s falsetto even if you are a female. It ruins our videos of him singing live.

Perez Hilton is a rat bastard. Don’t expect love from Jon if you dig that pig.

Here is your Boston to English dictionary. You’ll need it to communicate with Jon and Joe.

You better develop a taste for marshmallows. Donnie’s quite in love with his.

Jon LOVES a good chat about poop. And rats. And being unemployed.

Jon knows more about you than you think. Don’t gossip. He already spied on you.

Joe is most likely to tell you to fuck off. Then again so is Danny. It’s part of their charm.

Make fun of Jon’s freaky hobbit feet. We like to think it strokes his ego.

Ask Jon if you can see his tractah. No really. He has a big one!

Danny will shank you if you eat a cupcake in front of him.

Emergency kit: coffee, cigarettes, cupcakes, Twix, Aquahydrate and Frankenberry. You’ll be safe as a kitten with the wolves.

Jon’s lil Buddha belly has magical powers.

A lesson in Knights: Jon got all the booty and Jordan got all the chest hair. It’s a fair trade.

Have you ever fallen from a horse? No? Jon didn’t either.

Joe, Jordan and Jon look better in guyliner and manscara than you ever will.

Late night twitter fun: braiding Jon’s toe hair, slipping Donnie sleeping pills, telling Jordan what’s on tv.

1 emu, 2 emu, 3 emu… Oh no, they all died. *playing taps*

Don’t tweet Jon during Brothers & Sisters and Glee. We’re all dead to him when those shows are on.

Even tho Jordan designs shirts, fusses over shoes & watches tv with us like a sleepover, he is straight. Promise 🙂

Donnie has audio sex with us most Friday nights. We’re marketing shamwow panties.

Pretty sure Donnie didn’t bathe from 1989 thru 1992. Picasso had his blue period. Donnie had his homeless period.

God will strike you dead if you correct Jon’s spelling. You don’t want a lightening bolt up your ass.

For the millionth time, JON DOESN’T HAVE A FACEBOOK! Geez! 🙂

You may encounter the ghosts of 30 emus in Mass. Don’t panic! Just act like you don’t know Farmer Jon.

There will be a test on the lyrics to Are You Down? Embrace the cheese. Jon raps. You don’t want to miss that.

Donnie’s ass is the 6th New Kid. You either love it or you don’t. Me? *whispers* Jon’s ass is better.

If you see more than one show, expect to find green and white confetti in your purse for months. It’s a gift.

Celtics, Red Socks, Patriots, etc. No other teams are acceptable. Just pretend like you get it.

Joe will singlehandedly teach your children 400 meanings to the word fuck.

Every time someone mentions Nikko, a moment of silent reverence is mandatory.

*whispers* BSC Jon girls *still* loathe Tiffany. It’s like poking little yappy bears with sticks.

Vocabulary lesson: moobs. Man boobs. Commonly used in reference to Jordans fabulous moobs.

You’re going to want to feed Joe a sammich when you see how little he is.

A few tweets from one of them might feel like friendship but don’t confuse yourself.

4 responses to “>NKOTB lessons for BSB fans”

  1. FleurDeMar says:

    >This, my dear, is freakin' awesome!!

  2. Abbie says:

    >NKOTB lesson: Danny knows his Danny girls, and doesn't like it when they cuddle up with other New Kids… at all.

  3. Anonymous says:

    >LOVE LOVE YOUR TWEETS. THANKS FOR KEEPIN IT REAL 🙂

  4. Courtney says:

    >I'm fairly familiar with most of these, but what's up with Donnie & umbrellas? Someone explain, please?

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