It’s one thing to come out about a past life case to the public and face judgment from strangers. That’s relatively easy if you’re secure in it. But it’s quite another matter when someone respected in that historical field and someone you hold in high esteem becomes aware of your case.
Cue the awkward, nervous laughter.
Cue the nail biting and the internal question of whether you’re being perceived as crazy.
I’ve been having those periodic moments of needing to hide again the way I did when my fear of being discovered was at phobic proportions. At least one Chamberlain scholar knows who I am. A few Chamberlain relatives know who I am. Some other scattered people of interest know who I am too. As interested as I am to enter into dialogue with these people (I have a little bit), I’m having trouble shaking that insecure feeling of, “What do these people really make of me?” But then I chastise myself because I’m quite secure in knowing who I am now and who I was before, yet there is an underlying fear of influential people whispering about me or thinking I’m off my rocker. There isn’t anything they can wonder about me that I haven’t wondered about myself though. As I’ve said before, I was well aware of what people thought of me back then and I’m well aware of what people think of me now. I will never fit in with the status quo and I have accepted that.
The new Chamberlain book coming out seems to be dredging up old insecurities. Historians have not always been kind to Fanny’s memory. It may be translating for me as the fear of historians possibly treating me disrespectfully when they find out why I do research in this area. I don’t come out and say it right away. When people at Bowdoin and various historical societies asked me why I was requesting research material, I lied and said I was researching for a book. It’s just safer that way. You never know who might take the words “past life” badly and treat you like a mental patient. I assure you, I am no mental patient. I’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder but nothing else that would attribute to this issue of past life memories from childhood.
The truth is I don’t need approval from anyone, not even the top Chamberlain scholars. Past lives cannot be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. People must look over all of the evidence and decide for themselves. Whether the scholars ever accept me or not isn’t going to chance the truth. I know myself. I know what I’ve been through. I continue to seek the truth and my perception of the past evolves as I get older. Of course, it would be nice to not dance around the elephant in the room when I talk to scholars and simply have frank discussions about it, but the mind of a scholar doesn’t typically work on a spiritual level like this too. It would be nice to have a scholar or two on my side. Do I see that happening? No. Is it totally necessary? No.
Some things are simply true whether you believe them or not.
In some ways, after all these years, I still feel very isolated in my experiences. Telling my story has helped a lot of people – I know this because I’ve gotten hundreds of letters over the years – but I still feel like I haven’t finished what I’m supposed to do. Working closely with historians would do a lot to further the openness about past life research but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Like scientists, historians are trained to only believe what they can see and prove by documented fact. There is no document Fanny Chamberlain left behind that says, “My name will be Jessica beginning in 1982,” so no trained historian will be willing to believe it. It doesn’t diminish my desire to be recognized. I don’t like that because I constantly tell people they don’t need approval in who they are whether in the present or the past. I’m weary of the elephant in the room though. I am who I am and I was who I was. Belief or disbelief doesn’t alter the case.
I suspect there is a second edition of Unveiled: Fanny Chamberlain Reincarnated in my future. I’m not happy with the book as it exists now and I feel like I’ve learned a lot more spiritually since I began that initial journey. I have learned a lot more historically as well. There are a couple of historical errors that need to be corrected in addition to a bunch of new material. I’m toying with the idea of a very expanded second edition but I’m not sure yet. It depends on if people even want such a thing. My primary goal is to help people who have no guidance in going through past life memories. Writing it all out is cathartic for me as well.
Historians who pass by and see who I am may stop and think about it or they might just say she’s crazy and keep on their merry way. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to quell the insecurity in myself when I talk to them but I can remind myself that their belief or disbelief doesn’t change the truth. Just as with any other person, they don’t have to believe as long as they treat me respectfully. I work hard to document things, not just with the Chamberlain family, and I hope they at least recognize those efforts.
Still, it would be nice if a Chamberlain scholar was at least open to the idea of who I was in a past life. Hope springs eternal, right? Don’t be afraid of who you are now. Don’t be afraid of who you were in the past. There are reasons for everything and there are life lessons in everything.