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I haven’t really been talking about my activities as a medium of late. Sometimes I find it difficult to discuss at all, even with those closest to me who understand everything. I find myself reverting back to my old habits before I was “out of the closet” about being a medium, keeping it secretive and sometimes blocking it out when I should be working with it.

Part of the reason, I think, is because I have been funneling so much energy into doing readings for people that I’m basically collapsing of exhaustion every night. In fact, I took today off just to prevent myself from getting burnt out. My clients suffer when I get burnt out because they have to wait for me to muster more energy to carry on working for them. It’s especially true when I go through my cycle. I’ve never seen that discussed anywhere but I’m betting that other female intuitives, clairvoyants, mediums, etc., will note that working during their cycles is almost an impossible process if they really pay attention to it. The cycles of the moon and planets also seem to affect my spiritual abilities. Sometimes they become amplified and I will notice that the moon is either in the full phase or the new phase. Of course, going on and off medication changes my frequency, if you will, and it takes time for me to tune into everything again after such adjustments.

Recently, however, I have been going through a resurgence of my old habits of being secretive and hiding what I am because I haven’t wanted to deal with it. I find myself having thoughts like, “Why can’t I be normal?” or, “Why can’t I just turn it off when I need quiet?” Guilt set in when I would encounter a spirit and my first thought would become, “Just leave me alone!” I have always been such an advocate of helping spirits find peace and always found it rewarding work, so being in a mental space that allows those thoughts has been difficult. So I asked for a break. There are several spirits who hang around me off and on as helpers, protectors, interested parties, and those I’m still trying to help. Some of them were around so much that I was just too tired to cope. I suppose I can understand their point of view. I would stick to the one person who could communicate with me too, but I started feeling unhinged by it all. I put up spiritual walls and did my best to ask for a break. I craved silence.

A dream followed from one of my regulars that night. I was in his old apartment with him and he gave me a gift, saying he would be back after I rested and then we would continue our work. I woke up right away with the tingling sensation over my forehead that I feel after an encounter with a spirit. It feels like a limb waking up from lack of blood flow but right in the center of my forehead. I’ve been experiencing that sensation after spirit encounters for my whole life. I don’t know what it is exactly but I know it happens every single time. At least I knew one of them intended to honor my request to give me some space.

I have been enjoying the quiet for several weeks now. Part of me has been feeling guilty that I got so worn out that I completely disconnected myself from them, but I also know that I have to take care of myself first, otherwise I won’t be able to perform my duties well enough. It’s a duty to care for people’s spiritual needs whether they are presently alive or not. It’s something I take very seriously. Some people have encouraged me to increase my fees for my readings but I can’t do that and maintain my good conscience. Spiritual assistance is not based on those who can afford hundreds of dollars for a half an hour of time. It’s about striking a balance between providing for my living expenses and helping anyone who reaches out to me. Half the time, I end up doing the readings for free or discounted rates or trading other services. As much as I have tried to shift my life to a different path at different times, nothing ever works the way it should. This is my life’s purpose. I can’t fight it as much as I might wish for a normal life sometimes. I can only learn to manage it.

Last night, it occurred to me just how long it has been since any spirits have made direct contact with me. I absently wondered if I had blocked out the ability permanently and something felt very sad in me all of a sudden. As I went to sleep, I made a comment, “Hey guys, let me know if you’re still around.” During the night, I woke up to my cable box blaring blue lights in my face. I blinked in the darkness and wondered why the box was on because I always turn everything off when I go to bed. The lights are so bright that I have to turn everything off in order to sleep. I thought maybe I had bumped the remote control in my sleep but when I looked at it, the slide at the top was still set on TV mode. Even if I had bumped it, the cable box would not have turned on because the slide mode was not set to it. As I fumbled in the dark to turn everything off, I realized it was one of my guys answering my “let me know if you’re still around” request. They’re still with me. Either I’ve been tuning them out or they’ve been giving me space to recuperate. My heart filled with love.

Here are the last times I’ve heard from some of my regulars. I don’t talk about many of them in public, but I know you all are interested in these things.

The Neighborhood Ghosts

My neighborhood has a resident Confederate soldier who is earthbound but intelligent, meaning he refuses to move on and he interacts with some people. He is associated with the creek that runs behind my house. Whenever the creek rises, he becomes more active. I last heard him walking upstairs while my uncles were in Costa Rica a few weeks ago. My mother was at work. The only people at home were my grandmother and me, yet I periodically heard the stomping of hard-soled boots on the floor above me that sounded like old army boots. We have all experienced the Confederate ghost, even my hard-nosed skeptic uncle.

The other neighborhood ghost is a woman who does not acknowledge me much at all but is very intent upon letting my other relatives that she exists. I believe she comes from the great fire we had here in Atlanta in the early 1900s based on descriptions of her appearance. She throws objects and lures people to different parts of the house with her voice. The last we heard of her was about a month ago when she threw my grandmother’s eye drops bottle across the bedroom. It scared the living daylights out of her because she was just sitting at her table getting ready for bed.

Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain

I can tell you the exact date I saw him last because it startled me. Usually Lawrence is the first one to go away when I need space. It was the night that my friend, my mom and me went to the New Kids on the Block concert in June. It started raining after the concert and my friend brought us home. My mother went inside through the front door while my friend walked with me around to the back door where I live. I glanced up at the garden chairs and saw Lawrence sitting in one of them looking at me. We were approaching the house, so the motion light flicked on and he disappeared in that instant. It was a split second but I saw him sitting there leaning forward with his forearms resting on his knees and his hands folded together. He wore boots, dark trousers, a white button down shirt and suspenders.

I said to my friend, “Oh he was just sitting there in that chair,” and I smiled but she said, “Don’t tell me things like that until we’re inside the house.” I haven’t seen or felt him since that night. It’s not unusual for him. Sometimes months or years can go by before I see him again. I don’t need the validation of encountering him so much because my faith in our relationship cannot be shaken and I also need to continue living the new lessons in my life. He’s in my heart. I don’t have to see him to prove it.

John Wilkes Booth

If you’re a newcomer to my blog, this one is going to strike you as odd. It’s okay. If you search my blog, you will find the blogs about my previous encounters with him. I have been keeping notes on my impressions for him in order to carry out his wishes of publishing a novelized account of his last few years, which is intended to be part of his process of making amends and healing with the women he hurt. Several of them are reincarnated now, although I only know one personally. John used to be rather persistent and forceful when he wasn’t getting his way with me. I had to take control of the situation. He was one of the reasons why I needed a break and I made it very clear that if he did not begin to cooperate, I would not carry out his wishes at all. I need to get through a few other projects before I can really help him.

He has been passing through in the last month or so but not doing anything to attract attention, although he does play with my dog on the porch. It’s more of me going about my business and suddenly feeling movement in the energy field around my house. I don’t quite know how to explain it. Some spirit energies feel more prickly and electric, whereas John’s energy is warmer and velvety, hence one of the reasons why I call him Velvet as a nickname. He used his looks and charm in life to get his way. Without physical looks now, the pleasing aesthetics have become warm and velvety energy, which is very attractive to mediums like me. Sometimes I’ll find him on my couch. Other times I’ll find him on my porch swing mixed with the smell of old tobacco. He’s not communicating though, not since I made it clear that I need a break.